i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize