just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize