you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize