Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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