When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
