the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
