I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
