If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am available for nakedness
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize