Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
