The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
