drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
