i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
your like the ambassador to my penis.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
