apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
