Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
