i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
