checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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