I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
