Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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