I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
