Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
