Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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