I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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