At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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