I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
