I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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