3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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