just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
