Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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