He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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