A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
