My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
