apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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