So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
