party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
