It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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