your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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