I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
