I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
