I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
