Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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