I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
