I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Everything about him screamed your future.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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