She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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