Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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