Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Never let your siblings swipe right.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
