I puked a lego.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize