You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
