I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
a search helicopter?!
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
