And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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