So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
