cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
