I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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