Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize