Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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