god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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