Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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