I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
