Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
