if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
