a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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