I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
