dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
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