Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
