I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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