I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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