So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
