apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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