the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
